Tag Archives: Growth

Awareness of Exquisite Awareness of Awareness of Nothing

Drum Kit Empty But for Potential

Yesterday was a momentous day – did you not feel it? Did the ground beneath you not vibrate even the tiniest?

Did the air not make it easier for you to breath – even if just for a split second?

I am in afterglow.

Until this morning I had not found the words. This morning I read a Facebook post by my friend, Black belt sister, visionary life poet and vocalist extraordinaire Beth Noelle (did I overdo it a bit? GOOD!). Beth shared Nothing’s Gonna Change Your World, the blog post by Riikka Rajamaki and published by http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/03/29/nothings-gonna-change-your-world/

and the rains came and the words poured forth – even before I had finished reading.

Purpose has little to do with society. I’ve been searching for this statement.

I have spent recent time wanting something so badly I could throw up. Wanting something so badly, I was ready to lose myself again. The greatest gift was that I didn’t get it. What I got was exquisite awareness.

After a lifetime of blurred identity; of keeping up. After a lifetime of flinching whenever speaking my own name.

When I let go of the ‘shoulds’, when I agreed to no longer agree. When I stepped into another level of the ‘walk’. When I chose to no longer puppet for someone else’s demons (I’ve plenty of my own, thank you very much!). When I let my eyes close and breath leave me.

Only when I could see nothing in front of me, was there something to see.

Only when I let my self do what, at least for now, I’m here to do was there something to do.

Yesterday I completed creation on The Alchemy of Awareness (The Gift of Intimacy) – Body Awareness.

I completed it just before I sent it out in it’s Week 5 installment to the 13 fearless and generous souls who not only agreed to this trial, but paid me for it!!

While I hope it was brilliant and life-changing, I will not be disappointed if it is not. It is here and here it can blossom. I have come to the realization, without arrogance or defensiveness, that what I shared could not have been received through a degree. The highest caliber schools would have set me on a different path where there is no nothing and the volume is up too high. This I had to come to on my own. This is the value of life.

Lofty, grand words aren’t they? No. They are basic – life in it’s simplest terms. That is what my work is about. Base? Animal? Instinctive? Intelligent? Out of the realm of the cerebral? It is none of those. It is all of those.

For those of you who truly value life – this Bud’s for you. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.

For those of you who want to explore life on a nothing level – this work is for you. If you haven’t got time – you missed the point.

This is the BE-ing.

No trying. No striving. No DO-ing.

If you want something, go get it – by not. Do the preparation with the intention of expansion. While you prep for this, at what you arrive may look different.

What you need will never be yours until you don’t need it anymore.

Nothing, indeed, is going to change my life.

Thank you, Beth.

 

Awareness of “I” – Knee-Jerk, Habits and Patterns

Titania Fairy Queen Green Nature

Once upon a time

I joined Stone Soup & Lemonade, a women’s group dedicated to personal and professional development.

I went to my first gathering on Sunday. We would be celebrating Earth Day.

About 10 minutes into the agenda I noticed that some of my buttons were being pushed. I immediately went into habitual defensiveness.

So there I was, sitting in discomfort,vacillating  between feeling misunderstood (a very big and heavy piece of baggage for me) and considering how this might possibly have everything to do with how I was receiving the communications.

My body felt restless. Unconsciously I refused to place my feet on the floor. I realized that I felt vulnerable and wanted my knees closer to my abdomen. I let my body do what it was asking to do. Gradually, I felt my body agree to open and relax.

Instead of shutting down, as is my habitual response to believing myself misunderstood, I posed other possibilities to myself.

In not shutting down (completely), I learned the following about myself:

my lack of impeccability and clarity of communication lead to responses disconnected from my intention. In other words, I didn’t say what I really meant and the response, while appropriate was not satisfying. My words and my thoughts were incongruent.

This is one of my patterns. Here’s how it usually works.

I arrive with the Judge reminding me of my inability to verbally communicate with impeccability and clarity in the company of strangers. When I “prove” the Judge right, the Victim chimes in, “See, you did it again and now people think you’re an idiot – hysterical – overemotional. So not fair. Think small and maybe you can disappear. Keep quiet next time.” and the Judge, “If you were really as smart as you’d like to believe, you would be a better verbal communicator. You’re not so you’re not smart.”                                                               And the armor is once again, in place.

After the meeting portion of the gathering, I was scheduled to present my passion. In the past, I let the Judge and the Victim convince me and effectively siphon any Joy I had coming into the situation. On Sunday, even though I still felt the push and pull of being in the middle of a significant shift, once I started to move the Joy flowed.

My awareness had been the antidote.

Staying present helped me to remain open so that Joy did not end up dammed and suffocated.

In retrospect, I am surprised by the amount of energy if took for me not to respond out of habit. I felt as though I was chest-deep in mud trudging forward. Every step, every choice was deliberate out of necessity. If I didn’t place my “feet” mindfully, I would end up sucked down into the pit of vipers that the Judge and Victim provide.

Celebrating Earth Day brought Titania to mind. Earthy chocolate swing pants and a top of flowers and vines seemed appropriate. The sensation of loose hair spilling and swinging around my shoulder blades felt perfect. Another integral part of the shifts, changes and transitions flowing through my life is the evolution of my inner face.

My “inner face” is what I show when I get to wear a costume. Halloween has always been perfect for revealing what I keep hidden.

In my Nia classes until 2 years ago, every Halloween I shared a frightening, dangerous, ugly inner face. 2 years ago she was a reflection of the scary becoming something else, something softer and gentler. She was “witch”, “vampire”, “zombie”, “dead elf,” “dead fairy”, then the “fairy queen” more suited to a Jim Butcher Dresden novel. A year ago and this past Halloween, she continued into this new identification. She – I still didn’t have a name. On Sunday the connection was to Titania and I felt downright beautiful and richly inspired.

Vulnerability surrounding me like deceptively delicate fairy wings, I managed to hang onto the inspiration that brought me the Earth Day playlists and my love for delivering Nia and dance. Knowing that I had caught a glimpse of what could create a far more satisfying and rewarding way to share what I love, I felt my feet on the ground. Quiet. Certain. Relieved. Happy.

And lived happily ever after.

Waaahahahahahahahah!

Until the next wave in this transition surge arrives to rattle my cage.

Thank you to the lovely, authentic women who shared this time and space. I am grateful.