Welcome to my world. In this world, I have spent the greater part of my life ensuring that much of what I attempt fails.
Not finishing what I start.
Having too many project going at once (see previous list item).
Not returning phone calls.
Not following up.
Not leaving when it was time.
Beating the dead horse.
Doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting a different outcome.
Planning and not doing enough of the detail work.
for the right time
for the right person or people
for the right place
for someone else
to finally know enough
Here’s where the BE-ing becomes instrumental.
When I stop all the DO-ing, I can better see and feel what isn’t working. Simply being in breath allows me to break the cycle I’ve created for myself. The cycle of over committing and under delivering. I may be the only one who knows, but I have to live with me.
The “why” isn’t all that important, but acknowledgement is enormous.
The why is easy – it’s fear. It’s always fear.
Acknowledging that I’m in the midst of a cycle is more of a challenge for me. There are many, many obliging trees behind which to hide this information from myself. Behind one tree: kids. Behind another tree: time. Behind tree 4: I don’t have enough information yet. Behind tree 5: I need _____ before I can move forward. Tree 6: I’m not _____. Tree 7: Resources. You get the idea.
the moon is full,
my kids are perfectly happy,
the planets are aligned,
I’ve got all the right pens,
my hair is the right length,
I’ll finish that thing and offer that stuff and all will be right with the world.
The irony of all this is that throughout the entire process, my body is sending me clear signals – clear sensations and I know the “truth” but I ignore that information and let my head lead me into what is inevitably the wrong tine in the road’s fork.
My body knows. And it tells me.
As rich a relationship as I have with my body – I guess every relationship has it’s weak spot.
So I’m gonna listen better?
No. I’m going to stop. Stop. And. Acknowledge the information my body is sending me through Sensation.
My way to heal from self-sabotage.