I am r e a l l y hard on myself.
I am so hard on myself that perfect strangers comment on it and suggest I give myself a break.
A couple of nights ago my daughter and I watched Step Up Revolution, the fourth dance movie in the Step Up series. I’m a big fan of dance movies but even dance movie sequels tend to wan. Revolution is an exception. I’m not suggesting that this is a classic or important film, but it’s a blast and deliciously creative – Rachel’s favorite dance is the “jellyfish tutus”, mine is the statues that come alive! I was happy with all the dance sequences.
This fall, I will be ‘chatting’ with another demon and taking a traditional ballet and/or contemporary dance class. I tend to be a slow learner and I’m still uncomfortable in a formal class so I asked my daughter to give me a technique refresher. Pretty much all of her ballet technique is better than mine and at the time, I was ok with that. Back to the subject:
The next morning I got to my personal practice ready to play with some of the juice I received from watching Revolution.
Out into the sunshine and right into my head!
Played some old favorites and some new stuff and throughout the first half of my practice the “Judge” was going on about technique and the “Critic” was commenting non-stop on each move. I felt disappointment pouring through me. My body began to tighten and I began to shutdown emotionally. I danced through the stories my mind was making up about my lousy footwork and if I was a “real” dancer my footwork would be better. I danced through the abrupt vaporization of inspiration and joy. I danced through criticisms in my daughter’s voice that she never said and would never share in the tone my mind gave it. I danced until I had nothing left but me. I danced until my body seemed to discover that I am not a victim of my mind.
Right back out of my head!
In that moment, my body was dancing only for itself. Spirit was flooding me with animus; the spark. My heart calmed. Disappointment vanished and was replaced with quiet pleasure.
Expectation released. Demand released. Judgment released.
To uncork the bottle. Unlock the closet. Open access to the entire ocean of Self.