My roles are changing.
I’ve never thought much about my “roles” as roles. When someone asks who I am or when I’m asked to “say” something about myself I’ll use the words
mother, daughter, friend, student, teacher, practitioner, healer, dancer, writer, artist
but I didn’t think too deeply about the structure of those roles, mostly because I don’t perceive them as having any more structure than I choose to give them. I am fully aware that this is not the case for others. I am often sadly aware that not only do some lock themselves in roles believed to be written in stone but there are also those who happily provide the locks.
For me, roles only have the structure I give them and I compare them to socks, which I change daily or don’t wear at all.
So imagine my surprise – read intolerable frustration when I’ve come to the shocking comprehension that I have been playing a role and it has to change or I cannot move forward.
First, letting the fact sink in that I have been playing a role in a rather structured way but choose to remain unaware. Next, also letting sink in the fact that it has been this very role that has contributed to my un-happiness and frustration in a certain area of my life.
Now I get to decide what I’m going to do about this role I agreed to and apparently have been fighting to hold onto for years.
Waaaaaaaaa – how do I do something different? What if I don’t want to change? What if I just don’t change? What if I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself? Also known as whining, and crying (somebody might bring good cheese to my party!).
I know how to do this. In fact, I’ve already started doing it. Without putting too fine a point on things, I think it would be impeccable to say that I’ve gone about this in ass-backward fashion. Certainly wouldn’t be the first time and it isn’t the most graceful or elegant way. S’ok, I’m here now. Not only am I here; I see that I am here. I am aware.
I built the cage and forged the lock and key myself. I veiled it with “this is what I want to do, I am a (lock-and-key)”. My thoughts joined the party happily informing me that to define myself will give me more freedom to do what I love. There really is logic in this. However, as in most upsides, there is an equal and opposite other side. That other side is a brick wall behind the door.
As of just a few days ago – perhaps as little a 2 days ago – I am now standing outside the cage. Right now it doesn’t feel a whole lot better than when I was in the cage, though there is enough of a difference. Infinitesimal difference, but enough. The air is just a smidge lighter. I sense a tad more room in which to move. And there’s a glimmer I catch out of the corner of my imagination; a spark of inspiration that is all I need for now.
When life changes, roles change, whether they are set in stone or sock-like. With awareness I make deliberate choices. I may, indeed choose an iron-clad role, but I am aware; I’m not fooling myself and I’m not hiding.
Awareness is my inner bird and with awareness I can always fly.