Mother’s Day: Awareness of Self

Joe Rachel and Me 20082009

I receive wonderful gifts on Mother’s Day. Since my children have come into this world, what I receive on Mother’s Day has been beyond anything I ever imagined before their existence.

Mother’s Day is always lovely for me and I am grateful.

Without saying to you that every day is Mother’s Day for me, I will tell you that every day has been Mother’s Day since September 4, 1990 at 2 in the afternoon. Easy? No. Walton’s happy? Forget it, JohnBoy.

Richer, more satisfying, more frustrating, more heartbreaking, more heart lifting,

My children are the reason I am here, digging in and determined to do what I love – what I am uniquely qualified for.

I’m not doing it for them, I’m doing it because I’ve gotten the tools from raising them and them raising me. (Don’t judge my grammar!)

Raising them was another part of the awareness puzzle. Early on I decided I didn’t want my children to grow up in the unpredictable, shame-riddled, rage-filled household I did. To even come close to accomplishing this I had to be constantly aware of my emotions and vigilante enough to catch myself before launching into familiar conditioned responses.

My children taught me about baggage that doesn’t belong to me. I’m finally learning to integrate this into my life. My children taught me that is really is ok to make mistakes. I learned about family from my children. I learned not to whine – I wouldn’t accept whining from them so they don’t accept whining from me. It’s only fair!

I learned that sometimes my best just isn’t good enough. That can be incredibly uncomfortable, but if I truly have done my best, it is all I can do.

I learned that people have more potential than I can know by looking at them and at times even they don’t know what they’re capable of until called upon.

I learned that if I am open to hearing, seeing and feeling, I will find out who someone is.

I learned that no matter how much I want something or think I’m right – I may be right – but getting what I want or being validated may not be the work I need to do.

A lesson I learned when they were quite young, but didn’t carry it into the rest of my life until recently: situations and people are going to be what they are. If I want something different, I have to go somewhere different or I have to look in a different way.

And ofcourse I learned about all the crap we carry with us over the years. It’s with that awareness that my children know me. They know who I am, where I came from. They know that I respect them as human beings first. The know about the flaws. They’ve seen me fall down and get up again. They know that no matter what they do, I will love them more than I had any idea I could love anyone. They know that I will not manipulate them out a need for control. They know that I will let them fall down, because I know they can get up. I would love to  think, and tell you that I haven’t made any mistakes. I don’t believe that’s even possible.

I’ve taken them along on my journey, they’ve discovered as I’ve discovered. That’s not to say we all processed in the same way or at the same time. The 3 of us will receive as much as we can, in the time we can and will use it when we are ready.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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