Awareness of the Moment

Fire New Year

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! In hale. Ex hale. Let go. Relax.

Hard drive crash.

Out of my control.

Searching for a new laptop.

My 28-day Challenge. Day 13.

Nia/5Rhythms/Improv every day – missed one day. Received new routines, Fly, Touch and Awake. I tend to get completely immersed in the learning process and I feel the pressure of keeping up with the day-to-day.

Writing everyday. Yes! Without a laptop since Wednesday, I’ve been writing in long hand which satisfies the sensual pleasure of tactility for me. Putting words together with a pen and paper is a different process than writing with a laptop. I have the sense of walking among the words; forming the words on the page with my entire body – a dance of liquid swirls, loops and strokes.

Gradually reduce the amount of sugar in my diet. Yep. After the holidays, my body is grateful.

Read 10 pages of a “good” book – one that furthers my personal and professional development.  Interestingly I was on task with this until I began the 28-day challenge!  I have to laugh a little to myself about this: doing something freely and happily until I put a “formal” structure to it. Constrains.

Speaking about what I do. Total fail. Not once. Handouts to my classes, yes. Emails, yes. Sort of. Updated website, yes. Speaking? I didn’t “just do it”.

Take my own advice. To be able to do I have to do it. Until I create and endure the awkward, not-really-the-time-but-here-I-am moments, it won’t get any easier.

Baby steps. Small steps. One penny at a time. One piece of the puzzle – sometimes it fits, sometimes I put it aside knowing that it’s place hasn’t appeared yet – but it will. Every day I do the little things, take those small steps throughout the day, I’m building the success that I want. I am building the life that I want. The life that is mine.

So now I get to re-commit. For the first time it’s not a promise to anyone else. At least not directly. For the first time I am standing up and saying to the world that I have something to offer the world. What I am building. Every piece of it. Just this very thought elicits Joy. I like that.

During my Black belt intensive, I realized I was ready to be seen. Now I realize that I am ready to be seen by myself.

Now I am ready to accept my “shortcomings,” my failures, errors, judgmental faux pas, and weaknesses for what they are. Opportunities to grow, shift gears, side step the quicksand and transform. They are building blocks of a different sort from my strengths.

This has been budding for a few years and has come to bloom with a recent event.

Out of the shadows. Few corners left for the shadows to gather.

Not always in control. Not always right. Not always smooth. Not always “perfect”. Not always understanding. Not always wrong. Not always nice. Not always ok. Not always pulled together. Not always acceptable. Not always happy. Not always agreeable. Not always difficult. Not always easy (if you haven’t seen the easy side of me, you don’t know me yet – if all you’ve seen is the easy side, you don’t know me yet.).

Shadows, though seemingly ethereal are remarkably heavy. Tying me to the past, shadows stand as an obstacle to fully living in the present.

The present is all I have. This one life is all I know I have.

Moment by moment.

Small steps.

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