Sensation of Rebellion

Fire Woman

I welcome 2013 in a state of rebellion.

Peaceful. Decisive. Impertinent. Impudent. Delightful. Provocative.

Rebellion.

Makes my head swim a bit, my pelvis tickle, my chest rush and my legs tingle.

I know this feeling well, though it has been a while since I have experienced it in all its wonder.

I spent my entire childhood planning my rebellion. Waiting for the time to come.

My parents called me the perfect child (surely my mother just chose to block out those days I spent throwing my shoes – heel first – at the door I was locked behind!) and such an easy teenager I was. My time came and at 18 they thought I’d been replaced by an alien. That “girl” could not have been their child! Seeding. Planting. Reaping. Sowing. Yea.

Every few years I make changes, according to my Catherine Handbook. You know what I mean – don’t you?  Everyone has one. C’mon, you know, the book that tells us who we are – who we really are. You know, it’s got a list of our authentic personality traits, our interests, what moves us, what makes us cry, pitch a temper tantrum, what makes us anxious, feel threatened; insecure and what we’re afraid of. I could go on and on, but I won’t, about this. You get the point.

This book cannot be affected by time, space, culture, wishes, hopes or will. What is within its pages cannot be affected by outside forces – of any kind. It is only affected by our interior environment. A sort of inside out Dorian Gray type thing.

What is within those pages is who we really are.

Here it comes:

What is within those pages is who we really are.

Not who we’ll be when we pull ourselves together.

Not who we’ll be when we lose or gain 20 pounds.

Not who we’ll be when we get that perfect job.

Not who we’ll be when we meet the “one”.

Not who we’ll be when we __________________________________________________________…

Not the who we wish we were.

Not the who we’ve cultivated.

Not the who our parents want.

Not the who our partner wants.

Not the who our friends think we should be.

No matter what.

No matter what.

We are

Dreamers

Builders

Lovers

Connectors

Salespeople

Visionaries

Pioneers

Followers

Leaders

Learners

Developers

Artists

Intuitive

Empathetic

Pragmatic

Planners

Movers

Thinkers

Feelers

Activators

Analyzers

Touchers

Passionate

Down-to-Earth

If we’re doing what we’re here to do, what we are is being fed, nurtured and nourished. We are blooming into what is best for our selves and for what is best for the world.

We are Brilliant!

If what we’re doing is asking us to put aside what we are, then we may be diminished. It is no medal of honor to sacrifice one’s self for another – no other. If I sacrifice who I am so that my children can grow up in a “happy” home – I teach them to sacrifice who they are; that who they are is worthy of only one thing – being thrown away.

Cookie-cutter is “safe”. We can feel like we belong; like we are accepted. But what if the parody we show the world is not accepted? Then who do we become? What is “safe” doesn’t seem so safe.

At 18 I rebelled to follow my heart. It was a man – naturally!

Now – I’m rebelling again in order to follow my heart. This time it’s for me.

What I’m setting off into is daunting. My version of climbing K2. I’m getting my gear together. I’ve got a couple of trusted guides. I’ve got some who aren’t giving any thought to the possibility that I might fail. Me neither.

If I’m planning to fail, why am I climbing the damn thing in the first place?! I could be opening an accounting business!!! Sure, I’ll be much more successful at that. After all, everyone needs accountants – right? Once again, must we revisit the period of my life I spent as the CFO of a hospital-based wellness center? Really?

I haven’t done it yet.

Nobody else is making it.

They don’t understand.

They don’t see the value.

Where will you…

How will you…

Not realistic.

Not convenient.

You should…

Selfish.

Stubborn.

You’re not getting any younger.

Just doesn’t seem possible.

You can’t…

You won’t…

It’s not…

You’re not…

Did you think about…

Did you know…

What if…

^^^^^^^^^^^

What if I throw my life away to be what is easy, “successful”, acceptable? I put my book on the shelf for it to wither, dry out and turn to ash. To hate my job. To hate the people I work with. To hate myself for giving in. Hate turns to resignation. Resignation to complacency. What am I to the community and the world now?

What if…

I follow my heart?

Wishing you the happiest, brightest, most gratifying year of them all!!

Never forget the dreamer.Fire Heart BIG

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4 thoughts on “Sensation of Rebellion”

  1. I believe you will not fail, Catherine! Well said, with lots of fire behind your rebellion. I can’t wait to see where it leads you…

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